THE SECRETS 3

And it happened

Bro Kenneth and I continued to try to fight our urges but to no avail. And on the last day of my final examinations, I went to his place to stay over. I had been quite distant due to exams and so he was all over me saying he missed me and all. That night was the first time I allowed the intimacy get so intense because I had missed him too and I wanted to compensate him for the days I was away.
I thought that would be enough for him but it wasn’t. He asked that I spend few days with him before traveling back home for and I did.

It was during these few days he broke the gate and I lost my virginity. It was far from being pleasant and obviously he was the only one getting the satisfaction. I felt body pains but it was incomparable to the heaviness and guilt I felt after that incident.

He tried to make me feel better but when I won’t stop crying, he simply freshened up and left me in the house. I couldn’t get any sleep throughout the night and when he came in the next morning, he simply said “Babe, please clean up, I need to get dressed for work now, thank you”.
And in few minutes he was dressed and out of the house. I had cleaned myself the night before but it still felt like the dirt was permanent. I pulled myself out of the bed and washed the bedspread in the washing machine. I had another bath, took all of my things and left. Going to my hostel was a terrible journey for me and it felt like everyone who looked at me could see all that had happened to me.

Now he’s very busy

I had planned to come home that day but I had to postpone because I was so out of place. I could not call Tolani because I was ashamed to mention it. I never told her about all of the things we were doing even before then and so I decided to keep it a secret. I didn’t come home on that day and waited so long for his call to ask if I had gotten home but he didn’t call.

I tried giving excuses for him by telling myself that he was probably too ashamed to call me. I picked up my phone and called him severally but he didn’t answer the phone.
After many hours had gone by, he sent a text saying work was very hectic and he would call me back when he got the chance. He didn’t call throughout that day and as much as it was looking like he was pushing me away because he already got what he wanted, I still didn’t see it that way.
I woke up the next day to see another text from him informing me that he was going on a business trip with his colleagues and would be somewhat unavailable.

*Laughs* Eiiii God. I was just so stupid. I traveled home and fell sick immediately. Mum got me drugs and I used all but the sickness won’t stop recurring every evening. I would send messages to him begging him to call me. Whenever he called, the words were few and very plain and he kept on saying he was busy with work and would call me when he had the chance.

After spending two weeks at home and when mum suggested that I go to the hospital, the fear of pregnancy struck me. I knew the only way to escape being tested was to leave the house and that was exactly what I did. I lied to my parents that my project supervisor had asked that we return to school for the completion of our project.

Now I’m being childish

I didn’t inform Bro Kenneth that I was traveling down. I got back to my hostel and after cleaning the place, I went to his house and found him having fun with his friends. He was shocked to see me and I was careful not to show my anger. His friends left and when I asked why he was treating me badly he laughed and said I’m just being childish. “Just say you miss me girl, I’ll understand. You don’t have to start pointing accusing fingers right now. Are you staying over or going back home tonight?”

I was very mad at him and shocked at the same time. How could he call my question about all of that intentional abandonment “childish”. How?? What height of wickedness. I looked painfully at him and said

“Kenneth, I trusted you and even gave excuses for you saying you were only avoiding my calls because you were ashamed of what happened, but now I have realized how wicked you really are and how stupid I have been, I hate you Kenneth, I hate you!”

I walked out angrily not minding that it was already late and I cried as I walked to the busstop. When I got to my hostel, I checked my phone to realize that mum had been calling but I couldn’t even bring myself to call her back.

The next day I woke up feeling dizzy and nauseated. I ran to the bathroom to help myself and at the thought of what it could mean I kept on screaming No! No! No! but there was no one I could talk to and most of my neighbors were still at their homes for the holidays.
I couldn’t eat for two days straight and I put my phone off to avoid mum and dad’s call.

After crying and crying, I finally summoned the courage to go see pastor Mrs but the rules of no visitors was still on. Their security officer asked why I was there and I told him it was an emergency. He called in and I was allowed into the house. As I waited for pastor Mrs in the veranda, I thought of how I could have been more careful and how I messed up. I did a rehearsal of how I was going to relate the whole issue to her and surprisingly, a male voice came from behind me. I turned to look and it was the Pastor.

The discussion with Pastor James

“I know you came to see your church mummy, she’s not home at the moment but since you said it was an emergency, I thought it won’t be a bad idea to help”.
I did a quick question and answer in my mind about what was going to happen if I decided to tell pastor instead and I remembered how Bro Kenneth had said the pastor never liked him from the start and that was what encouraged me to voice out. I wanted to get back at Kenneth for being so wicked to me and I didn’t care whatever the pastor thought of me.

The pastor patiently listened to all I had to say and after my story, he asked if I was ready to hear what he had to say. Ofcourse I was ready to hear anything if it would bring a solution to the problem.

“Funmi, I am so sorry you had to be a victim of all of these troubles. You see, most times, the churches we have around nowadays are not as perfect as they seem. The only reason I’ll be sharing this with you is because I don’t want to give you more lies at this point of hurt that you are at already.

Kenneth that you all see as being perfect is nothing but a monster in human clothing. I have tried many times to make him leave the church but all has been abortive and I have decided to accept him as the devil I’ll have to continually deal with till God knows when”

The real secret

As the pastor continued, I was scared of what he was about to say but It was too late to stop him and so I listened.
“Kenneth and my wife were very close friends as Undergraduates and they had a very good connection but he is two years younger and she was also ahead of him in studies. That was the barrier to their relationship. I met her as a corp member and we started our relationship.

I have been in the ministry even before service and I have had meetings running during week days. After service, we got married and everything was going fine for the first few months before I got into the temptations set for me by my enemies. A lady had come to see me for counseling and I fell for her seduction in the process. My wife got to know about this and I expected her to be very mad at me and go months without speaking to me but that didn’t happen.

Apparently, she was also meeting with Kenneth and felt my mistakes with the sister was a good ground to fully enjoy herself. I didn’t want my marriage to be like that and I never wanted the mistake that happened once to continue but Felicia didn’t help matters.

That lady was sister Shola. She tried many times to get back to me and make us continue but I never allowed it.
Shola would tell me how often she had seen my wife with Kenneth in her office but I’ll always defend her and pretend not to see it.

Each time I brought up the topic, Felicia would always tell me not to pretend like I wasn’t enjoying myself with Shola too and I was not!. I told her Kenneth must leave the church or I expose her and she threatened to lie against me and make the church believe that I was having my way with Shola and only trying to fabricate stories because Kenneth caught me in the act. I have had to stay silent and pretend like I was unaware of all that has been going on.

The day I saw Felicia taking contraceptive pills was the day I knew that my marriage was over. I was depressed for weeks and I had to go to a prayer mountain to cry to God.

It has not been easy Funmi.

Now that she’s out of the house, I suspect she has gone to see him again but I won’t stop praying for her though. I have met with senior pastors and they have intervened but still no changes. All they keep saying is that I pray for her to be saved and that’s what I have been doing. I saw how you came into their midst and I wish I had done something to help you but I didn’t have the opportunity. I am so sorry you got yourself involved with that demon Funmi. That’s all I can say”

Dumbfounded to unconsciousness

I was so shocked about all I have heard and I began to understand somethings that were unclear to me before then but the question I began to ask was “why me?”. He could have chosen someone else. “Why me?”

I asked the pastor if my friend Tolani was aware of all these but he said he didn’t know but she most likely would be aware. I was broken and weakened by it all and the fear I was having about being pregnant became more scary to me.

“You should be on your way now Funmi, it’s getting late.
Here’s the number a female minister friend of mine who can help you.
You’ll have to leave now”

I had so many questions but i couldn’t articulate anything and Pastor already went into the house leaving the paper on which the phone number was written on the table next to me.
I remember picking up the paper and walking out of the gate and I know I felt my leg hit a stone and that was all. The next time I opened my eyes was in the hospital with Tolani by my side. She explained how the security officer at pastor’s house had seen me fall and gone to inform the pastor who instructed that I should be taken to the hospital and called her to come over.

As she spoke, I just nodded my head without saying a word.
Tolani said Kenneth was not with her because he got a call from home that his mother just died and he had to travel in a hurry. I only smiled and nodded in response.
Whether she knew about all that has been going on or not, I just wanted to be alone. I was grateful when the nurses came in to the her she had to leave me to rest. I was managed to handle my phone later that night and I texted mum lying to her that my phone had developed a fault and I might be unable to reach them till I am able to get it fixed. I knew that was the only way to keep my phone off and ensure they worried less.

The heavier hit

The next day, I was awake but with my eyes closed. I perceived a familiar perfume and I knew Kenneth was around. I was not ready to see him and I kept my eyes closed.
“Nurse, please when will she be out of the hospital?” he asked.
“Sir, I can’t say for now, it’s not so easy to heal from a miscarriage, no matter how old, it’s still a lot of blood loss and heart break, she needs every encouragement she can get now sir”
“Okay, Thank you very much”

I had suspected that but I didn’t want to believe it. Why did it have to be me? Was it not just the first time? Why? Why? Why?

Many why’s were in my head as I opened my eyes only to see Kenneth walking out of the ward with the nurse.

For four days I was under the care of the nurses alone and no one came to see me. I became friends with one of the nurses who asked why there was no one with me. I simply told her it was a complicated issue and she didn’t bother me about it anymore. It was the day before my discharge I called mum to say I was involved in a slight accident and was in the hospital.

Mum got to the hospital very early the next morning and I already begged the doctor and nurses not to let her know anything about the pregnancy because she was hypertensive and that would be very heavy on her. They all agreed, so mum came and brought me home without a full knowledge of all that happened.

I took my drugs and my nurse friend called me from time to time to confirm that. Every night, I would weep and shed tears into my pillow. Tolani must have been informed about what happened and she never called. Kenneth didn’t call me neither and the only person who called was my pastor. He called to ask if I had reached out to the person whose contact he gave me and ask how I was fairing. I told him I lost the paper that day but I was feeling better, I thanked him for the hospital bill he sorted and before I could say more he hung up.
I tried reaching him on that line again but it wasn’t connecting.

No one’s fault, I was stupid

I couldn’t fully blame any of them for what happened and there was no one I could think of that I could speak to. I went off all social media platforms and I also changed my sim card in a bid to escape whatever gossips might be going on about me and I don’t have enough courage to go back to school for clearance.

Mum and Dad have asked why I was delaying my service but I had lied to them so much I didn’t even know how to start the confession. I have always had to go to the hospital for check-up and my blood pressure is always going overboard because I spend my nights thinking and worrying about whether I should let it go or figure out a way to expose all that I know. It’s quite hard to even come to church and focus after all that I experienced in that church. It is beginning to feel like all churches are built on deceits and church leaders have dark secrets the congregation do not know about yet they pretend to be all perfect. I just want to be alone , gradually forget all that happened and heal completely so I can return to school for my clearance, get my stuffs from my house in school, probably go for service soon and continue with my life. But it’s very hard. I have had to renew my house rent in school so the landlord doesn’t move my things out of the room and I still don’t know when I’ll develop enough courage to go there”.

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Just like I anticipated, my parents were broken by the news. Mum was crying uncontrollably and Dad had also shed some tears.
I looked at them both and continued:
“Mum, Dad, I know I have disappointed you and I know this is coming like an arrow into your hearts. All I can say is that I’m sorry, I was careless and stupid, I ignored all of your warning and the warning from the Holyspirit as well and I got myself entangled in all of this”

My mum drew me close and said “why would you choose to go through all of this alone without sharing it with me? I thought I was your best friend ”

“You are my best friend mum, I didn’t want you to develop an hypertension out of shock and that’s why I decided to go through it alone”

“You want to kill yourself by going through it alone. I won’t only get an hypertension from that, I’ld most likely be buried immediately after you”.

Dad embraced us both and we remained there for about five minutes, weeping and apologizing.

The prayer of peace

Daddy G.O and Big mummy respected our family time but they had to interrupt because it was late and they were not going to sleep over at our house.
Daddy spoke first;

“Funmi darling, we understand that you have been hurt by a church and definitely finding it hard to trust any gathering called church again and we are not even going to start with changing that. All we just think you need at this time is first to get back to God.

I told you I have lost my peace about coming to meet with you so you could let go and let God.
You have tried enough to help yourself out of your broken state and it has only grown worse. The father stretches his hands to help you out of that burdened state dear”

They had not even said any prayers and the feeling of ease from saying it out after weeks of torture couldn’t be denied.

Big mummy took up her hymn “Jesus loves me” again but with more overflow of light and peace this time. After singing the hymn for the second time, I was face flat to the floor and crying out to the Lord for mercy and help. It was sung one last time and we all forgot about our physical surrounding.

We were in that state for a long while and even Bolatito who never truly believed in Jesus was broken and in tears as the Love of God overwhelmed our home.

I began screaming “I AM FORGIVEN! I AM RESTORED!” and the others shouted “GLORY! HALLELUJAH!”. The presence of the Lord has never been so real to me as it was on that day.

How was it possible for God to change things that have been falling for months in just a day was beyond my understanding.

Big mummy and daddy had to break their fast before leaving our home and I was so happy to help mum in the kitchen to serve them; what I didn’t do since I returned from school.

GLORY!

Big mummy and daddy told me to take my time about coming to church but never stop praying to God and allowing his love take full control of every part of me that had been hurt.

As they left, a voice in my head said “Now that they have finally returned to their homes and with the presence, you’ll go back to your pain and hurt” . I was going to accept that when mum said

“Tonight is a good reminder that God is everywhere and everytime, we just have to be surrendered to touch him”
And that there! That! Was the reply to that negative voice of the devil.

I didn’t sleep early that day too but it wasn’t because I was weeping or wallowing in depression but because I spent hours thanking God for coming for me and praying for more strength.

Mum’s embrace woke me up the next morning and when I looked at the time it was 10am.
“Mummy! I have not had a sleep as peaceful and long as this in weeks!” I exclaimed. And just as I was going through my phone, I got a mail from my pastor James which read;

God of awesome wonders

“Calvary greetings Funmi, I heartily hope this mail meets you well.
This is to inform you that my prayers finally paid off. Felicia came to me willingly and asked that we confess all that has happened to the church and we did. I’ll officially hand over the church to Pastor Daniel,my assistant who has proven to be more than capable to take up the position.
Felicia and I will be going to a prayer mountain for retreat and under the watch of three of my mentors who I met in my years of traveling from one mountain to another.
Kenneth left the church on the day the announcement was made and we have lost all contacts with him. I pray that he finds God soon.
I have tried your phone number so many times but all proved abortive, I finally got your mail from the church workers records .You have been in my prayers and I hope God sends you comfort that exceeds all the pains you have been through. You have no need to be worried, I didn’t include your name in the announcement and no one will know if you don’t want them to.
Love, Pastor James.”

My mum saw a tear drop off my eyes and she became worried.
“What’s wrong Funmi?”
And all I could say was;

“God is working things out mummy, he’s so AMAZING!”

**********************************************************

I was able to return to school and got my clearance done.
I am presently serving in the Eastern part of the country and I still have some fears about trusting church leaders but I don’t allow it Keep me away from the gathering of believers.

I just remind myself that even church leaders are first humans and are prone to mistakes.
I push all of my fears into a desire to be more sensitive and discerning and each time I notice an error in any sister or brother, I simply increase my intercession for them and for the church at large.

The devil is unrelenting in causing us to fail and we have to be unrelenting in the place of prayers too.

Finally, I’ll like to add that forgiving Kenneth was almost a hard task but with consistent sessions with big mummy and her spirit of love, I began to see him less as a demon and more as someone who is in need of salvation and began praying for him.
I’m still praying for him even as I write this and I hope he’s safe and saved wherever he is at the moment.

Drops pen…….
Funmi.

Messages from Kunmisola

Message 1

Dear reader, are you also bearing burdens that you feel too ashamed to talk about?.
I understand that you might be scared about not knowing who to trust with the story of your life without being scared of it being used to mock you. I understand that you think it’s better to hide it away till it rots.
But, can I tell you something dearest?
It won’t rot away just like that, it will only continue to bite you till it breaks you.
The only way I can be so sure you will heal completely and with speed is to speak to someone who will help you see the Love of God again when it feels like worries have clouded your vision.
And this I pray from my heart, that the Lord will help you see from the above story that the father loves you more than you can ever imagine. Your sins are too minute in comparison to his love dear one.
That you are reading this now is to say that he wants you to return now.
Enough is enough of how the devil tries to lie to you and make you feel you are beyond repair or you have to carry that load alone for the rest of your life.
Light has come!
And now is the time for your restoration of peace!
I know it because I have experienced it.
Just say to Lord from your heart;
“I surrender all to you Lord God all-loving, take me and rebuild me for I am broken and I need your repair”
Amen.

The Lord will orchestrate more encounters with true believers to help you on this journey, I pray this for you and I believe it is so.
Amen

Message 2

Here is to our dear intercessors, wake up warriors!
Rise! And Let the prayers go up for the church to be restored to right standing and for Righteousness to prevail.
The perfection of our ministers depends on our incense on our altars.
Let it rise soldier!
Don’t be tired! Don’t be discouraged!
Let the prayers rise!!!!
We are strengthened in Jesus name.
Amen.