THE ARGUMENTS BEFORE THE AGREEMENT

“Debola when are you getting married?. You’ll be turning 30 tomorrow and you are still single. How many times do I have to remind you that Life is not only about career and finance?”
I could hear my mum’s voice from the depths of depths that I was in my sleep that morning and I was trying to decide the reaction to give her that morning. Whether to turn it into a joke or get angry at her or do both simultaneously. In the meantime I remained on the bed and pretended not to hear her.
“Omodebola! I know you can hear me o, if you like pretend or choose to stay in that room throughout like you did last week o, I will go and borrow speakers to shout it into your ears. A woman doesn’t have forever to stay single!!!”
Dara knew her next move would be to barge into the room and because she had a vigil she really needed her rest that morning.
“Big Dee get up and answer mummy I beg you, I have a meeting by 11am and I need to rest my head to be at my best. Please don’t let mummy enter this room this morning please, let not this sleep pass away without me enjoying it.”
“Na because of you o” I replied Dara, dragging myself out of the bed and reaching mum before she could come into the room herself. I had decided my reaction that morning, it was to be the Joke mode plus a little seriousness so I don’t appear like I am not serious with life.
“Mummy Mummy, the mother of the two Dees that will change this world.”
The look on my mum’s face that morning after my first display showed I was in for something more this time and should brace up for whatever might come after, but I decided to try another line before allowing mum’s over serious look influence me.
“Chai Mummy, something just dropped in my inner man now and I think I need to share. Have you ever wondered why your daughters have round faces?. ”
“What has the shape of your face got to do with what I’m discussing with you? Debola mi o si in joking mood rara at all“. She replied. But I wasn’t done.
“Mummy it’s because we will turn this world around. Hey Mummy don’t leave me!!!, Let me go and write it on my status and… Mum didn’t allow me finish my sentence before using the same words for me.
“Debola, yes! I will not leave you. Today today! you must explain whatever the problem is to me. Debola!!!! Darasimi is already in a serious relationship leading to marriage. What about you?? Ehn?. I am not even saying you must get married before your sister anymore, because that is not even looking like a possible deal. But at least, let’s know that there’s someone with you.
Mum’s voice was on a gentle mode then and I knew I had won the few minutes of our discussion. But the gentleness meant a longer duration of the discussion.
“Adebola what exactly is the problem? Why don’t you have anyone at all at this age?
Mummy I have had guys and been in relationships ma. You are making it sound like I have never had anyone look to me at all. Mummy I have had guys and men na, Mummy you know you have a beautiful daughter.
“My point exactly, why will you be this beautiful and still be unmarried, Debola I think this thing is more spiritual than I thought. Debola abi you have spirit husband?”
Mummy nah, spirit husband how?. Mummy stop jhur.
“So why do men or guys always leave you???”
Mummy they don’t leave me, I always leave them and it is for the best mummy. A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage o.
“Ah, o ti da. So you always leave them? Why?”
Mummy they don’t understand me. All of them. They are either complaining about my passion for work or saying I am not giving them enough attention. How do I cope with someone like that mummy, how?. Mummy see, I don’t want to go into the details jare, I don’t want to ruin my Happiness this weekend. It’s my birthday tomorrow remember?
I will dance and rejoice very well in church tomorrow. Infact let me start my Thanksgiving now.
I quickly siezed the opportunity to escape from mum that morning as I went into the room to get my phone and connected it to the speakers in the sitting room. I saw mum looking at me pitifully but since she was still processing how else to attack me, I ignored and started singing and dancing.
Dara came out of the room and gave me a look that read, “I give up on you both”. That was when I remembered she was trying to rest and now I had disturbed her with the loud music. I ran to hug and said into her ears “mabinu aburo mi, I had to do what I had to do to escape your mummy. I promise to make it up to you”.

I tried to escape mum that morning. I have always consoled myself by saying a broken relationship was better than a broken marriage but here I was at 30 and with a record of three relationships that could have led to marriage.

That night, after my prayers with Dara, I had a rethink on why and how I left each of those brothers and for the first time I began to see that I might have had my faults in it too but I couldn’t point it out and so I woke Dara up to share my burdens with her.

“Dara wake up, this marriage matter is really on my heart this night, Biko I need your help”. Dara was shocked because I have always handled every issues of my life myself and kept it all a secret. She only knew the guys I had dated by names and nothing about how the relationships went or why they ended. That night was the peak of it all and I could feel pains in my chest from my heavy heart. I knew my sister was more patient than I was, she attended more programs and seminars than I did and was always reading books especially books on relationship and spiritual growth. So she should have an answer to my relationship challenge from the knowledge she must have acquired and even if she didn’t have anything to say, I just wanted to clear my mind that night. And when I was sure she was awake, I started my story;

“So Dara, I decided since age 14 that I wasn’t going to get into any relationship till I was 24, because I believed by then I would be done with school and relationship won’t be a distraction anymore. Things didn’t go according to my calculations and my graduation from the University was a year later than I envisioned and I had to turn every proposals down till after school.

Henry was the first guy I gave access into my heart. He had been a good friend since my 200 level days when he changed his hostel and decided to Join our fellowship. He was a year ahead of me but we were still very good friends and I always told him about all of the proposals and the reason I have decided to stay single till after graduation. I always knew he was interested in me and was happy I was turning those proposals down but he was careful enough to say nothing about it and I also acted natural. On the day I did my last examination in school, Henry traveled down to Lagos from Benin where he was serving to congratulate me and also let out that which he had successfully kept silent about till that day. I asked for sometime to pray about it and even though I loved him too and couldn’t wait to be called his woman, I still left him in the waiting room for two months before giving him the answer he so desired.
Henry was very caring and ready to do anything to make me happy. At a point I told him to stop doing everything to please me because I wasn’t sure I could reciprocate. He could leave whatever he was doing if I needed his attention.

During my service year in Oyo State, Henry would come to visit me from time to time and the day he asked that I come to see him in Lagos I could not go because I was busy with some volunteer duties I had signed up for and he started giving strange attitudes like I intentionally didn’t want to come see him. I tried explaining to him that I had to go for those meetings but he kept on saying he wanted more from me. Well since I couldn’t give him more, I told him to give me a break and that was it. He wanted me to be at his beck and call and that was something that was not going to happen. What if we get married and I have to go for important meetings, will I say no to those all because my husband wants me to always be at home?. Henry was really not meant for me, he is always saying he loved me because I was independent and hardworking yet he will always complain when I need to attend to duties of my hardworking self.
After ending things with Henry I enjoyed being free to go anywhere I wanted and do everything I wanted to do without having to explain the reasons to one mister somewhere. I missed him though, and he tried reaching out but I didn’t think I was ready anyway. Soon he got over me and I saw his pictures with a new lady. Those pictures were what caused some worries for me and I even saved it and kept on staring at the lady and checking out her physical features that didn’t meet up to mine. I felt bad for letting him go but I was happy no one was choking me anyway.
It was at the time I was thinking about how whether I was wrong or not about leaving Henry, I met Fola. Fola came as a guest minister on the day of our send forth after one year of service in Oyo. I loved his charisma and from his ministration I could tell he was a man after God’s heart.
Ah Fola, Fola. Getting married to Fola would have been a bad decision and I am not even sorry for letting him go. It started well actually, we shared the word of God and revelations with one another and we knew we were compatible. We had similar attributes and we became good friends, people began to think we were in a relationship and we decided to take our friendship to another level.It was nice at the beginning because we were now both based in Lagos state and we met often. Fola had a car and I went with him for some of his ministrations within Lagos. The problem started when I got a Job and he was expecting the same availability. I always tried as much as possible to make him understand that I can’t be a full housewife but he would ignore and act like it wasn’t important and then he was expecting me to follow him about when I had to go to work.
I remember how he came to me with a list of all I was supposed to do always to be his lady; Make sure to call him before making any decisions at all even if it has to do with work, be ready to go on retreats with him whenever God calls for it, Introduce him to all my friends and reduce my level of closeness with my male friends, pray at least 3hours daily with him and 2hours alone amongst others. I had looked at the list and started laughing when I got to the retreat part and I simply told him the list should be adjusted so there won’t be disagreements but the look on his face was one that made me feel like I had lost every bit of spirituality.

“Fola, can’t you see these things can’t work?. Do you expect me to quit my Job because I am getting married to someone in the ministry?” I asked him.

And his reply answered my questions. “Debola, I told you I have been called into full time ministry and you know how it can be right. I’ll have to travel and I will want you to go with me. There will be seasons when we need to stay indoors to pray for our members and intercede. What then happens then?. You can get start up a business that will be flexible enough to allow you have time for yourself and you can…

I didn’t wait for him to finish before pouring out my feelings, “Fola you know what? I think this relationship started on the wrong note actually. We only thought we were compatible because we made good friends and people were beginning to match make us. But now, it’s quite obvious we both made a wrong decision. I have always dreamt of being an educator and I have received the instructions from God that he’ll be using me as his instrument in the education sector. And you know how God orchestrated me getting this Job even with the level of competition and now you are saying I should what? Quit? Is this a Joke or what?. Have you forgotten that I just registered for my masters degree and will be starting soon? I should forget about that too?”

He looked at me and said you know what, “let’s put an end to the relationship right away, I can’t get married to a woman that is not ready to submit to me”.

“Perfect!” I replied and hissed as I walked out of the restaurant.
The remembrance of how I ended things with Fola caused a wave of anger in me and I was angry at him for being so inconsiderate and even angrier at myself for not doing the right thing from the beginning. I ought to have prayed and even asked someone else to help me pray about it since the opinion of people had already gotten into my head and would have definitely confused my Visions. “Dara, I messed up big time!!!, Do you know I heard from someone that Fola is now married to a banker? All the nonsense rules he gave me, can a banker even cope with that?. Anyway I am happy I didn’t end up with him anyway, with his Bossy attitude, he’ll definitely want to dictate every of my actions.”

I needed to cool off from the effects of the memories I just shared and I looked up at Dara who has been listening quietly and without interruptions except for some sighs and nods. She must have seen the hurt in my eyes that moment because she pulled me into an embrace and I really felt relieved with tears dripping from my eyes. After I got a hold of myself, I continued;

Dara this last one I tried. I really tried. You know Daniel now, he is into teenage ministry and I took my time to pray well even before allowing so much closeness. Our purpose align well and we both know it is God, but we have misunderstandings every week. He is either saying I get too engrossed with work and I treat him like he is not important, or saying I don’t like to share my issues and challenges with him because I don’t see him as being wise enough to advice me on anything. Dara can you imagine that!!! I have spent over 20 years of my life making my own decisions myself and all of a sudden he expects me to always think of calling him first when I have decisions to make. I have even tried Dara, I have tried to set reminders on my phone to call him even when I am busy with work but some days I miss the alarms and I try as much as possible to apologize in cases like that but it’s still not working. He wants to know everything I am doing and always wants to be on call with me which is not too convenient for me. I have meetings to attend, I have lectures to handle and courses to study. The painful part is how he is quick to say I don’t value him as my man or that I don’t love him and I’m only managing him.
What does that mean? Is it my fault that I have a Job that requires so much time? Is it my fault that I was brought up to be independent and self reliant?. He has no idea how much I can’t even imagine a life without him. Dara, I love this guy so much and I have never been this vulnerable with anyone but even with my vulnerability he still sees me as being too rigid and not able to express love. He once asked me if I could do anything he asks me to do without questioning and I said No. And the next thing he said is that we will have problem with getting me to be submissive. Dara what exactly is this submission thing??? Must I become a slave and say yes to everything just like that because I want to submit??? Are we not supposed to discuss matters and ask questions and then come to an agreement?
Why do guys find it hard to understand me?. They all claim they want a smart and independent woman who won’t be a liability and when they get that they begin to complain about her not being submissive enough!

To be continued……

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